Have You Ever Been Frustrated with God?

Have you ever been  extremely frustrated with God? I'll admit it: I am.

I don't think I could pinpoint another period in my life where I have ever been as frustrated with Him as I am right now. It's not one of my proudest confessions.

Let me clue you in.

Right now, I feel like God put a singular door in front of me and told me to open it. Admittedly, it was a tough door for me to open because it came with a lot of risk. But I listened.

So I open the door and, lo and behold, I find a long hallway of doors on the other side. Awesome right?! So many doors. So many options. So many possibilities. In my mind, my life was about to take off.

Not so much. Let's fast forward a little bit.

Right now, I feel as if I have made it to the end of that hallway without making any step toward progress. I feel as if I opened every single one of those doors in that seemingly opportunistic hallway, only have them slammed in my face just moments later.

So, where do I go when I am at the end of the hallway that God asked me to walk into the in the first place? Why was I sent down a hallway of pathless doors? What is the purpose of getting my hopes up?

I ask Him these questions every day and I continue to tell myself there is an underlying purpose because He does, in fact, know what He is doing.

Disregard my cliche Christian girl quote here, but the man Francis Chan said it best: “Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?”

True that Mr. Chan. And I completely agree. God owes me nothing. My struggle here is not that fact that I can't understand God because, well, that's inevitable. And regardless of how frustrated I am, I don't underestimate His ability to take care of me or put me on the path He needs.

Here is my struggle: I just sincerely wish my heart wasn't so bitter while trying to be patient for that slam-less door.

Here's another Chan quote for you: “When I am consumed by my problems-stressed out about my life, my family, and my job-I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God's command to always rejoice.”

Is that where I have fallen? That I am so consumed by my circumstances that I have harbored such bitterness in my heart that I am completely blind to any joy that God is trying to give me? Have I reached that level?

I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone a few weeks ago. It was late and I was walking back from sitting on the beach. Now, don't find me weird, but the beach is where I feel closest to God. For some reason, sitting on the beach at night near the ocean makes me feel small--in a good way--and I am able to really just sit, think and connect. But this particular time, I felt oddly disconnected and I called my friend in a mild panic, saying, "I can't hear Him. I always have the best quiet time at the beach but now I can't even hear him there. What do I do?"

Her response, as always, was straight forward and honest.

"Then you keep trying. He may not want to you to hear Him right now, but gosh darnit, you keep trying. You don't stop."

She's right, you know. Sometimes God wants you to hear Him and sometimes I think He intentionally remains silent.

I think that is where I am at. God is giving me the silent treatment right now. He's trying to teach me something. I've reached a point where I am so engulfed in the circumstances of my life that I have let them control my joy, not Him. I have put my trust in them, not Him. So here I stand, upset and frustrated.

I may be frustrated but I guess the best lessons to be learned will never be the easiest to grasp.

God had his moment of "conversation" with me when He told me to open that first door. But now, in this idiotic hallway of slamming doors, He is silent. Waiting. Watching. It's almost as if He is giving me the opportunity to completely trust Him and seeing if I will actually walk the walk.